So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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