it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
