What a fucking waste of an outfit
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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