you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
