i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
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