i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Couch. On fire.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
