ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Randomize
