I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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