he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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