His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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