Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
