im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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