he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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