I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
