K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
