Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
