I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
