A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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