I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
