This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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