I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Randomize
