A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
