My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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