my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
