You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
