Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
