your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
