I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
barbara walters just said penis...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
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