I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize