Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
