My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You are the jesus of drinking
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
