Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
