My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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