Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
