she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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