Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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