My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
