I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize