We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
