Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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