you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
