I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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