these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
