What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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