dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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