I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
