dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
