My Higher Power is John Stamos
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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