I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
i believe in u and ur pee
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
