things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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