FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
