i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
