I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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