My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I will pee on everything he values.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
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