glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
