If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
