Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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