everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
