your parents love me but you hate me
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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