I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
lets start a swedish sibling band together
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
